Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Nothing Changes on New Year's Day

Worst New Year Eves ever – two in China.

1.Camp Casey, Tongduchon, South Korea, 1975. Pull frozen lonely guard duty at a 2nd Army Division ammo dump where I ring in the New Year politely defending “Freedoms Frontier” from a wizened mama-sans offer of “No 1 girl give you No 1 sucky-sucky good time.”
Resolution: Report for sick call and fake flu when assigned to guard duty on a holiday.

2.Louisville and Englewood, Colorado, 1989 Big fight about nothing in particular with soon to be ex. Displaying what can only be described as “remarkably poor judgment” I impulsively seek comfort by ingesting a dose of hallucinogenic mushrooms after domestic dispute and before we go to a party hosted by a couple I dont much care for. Spend evening ignoring wretched spouse, watching people’s faces melt and viewing MTVs Aerosmiths Rockin’ New Year with hosts’ 13-year-old son who periodically appears to catch fire.
Resolution: Get divorced before New Year. Restrict mushroom use to non-hallucinogenic salads and Campbells Cream of Mushroom soup.

3.Shenzhen, China, 2005. At 8:30 pm C impulsively decides we aren't going to a posh hotel overnight party affair for which Id already booked reservations and paid a deposit. She cites no particular reason, except “I don't have anything to wear,” switches on a Chinese TV soap opera and pouts in icy silence. I walk out without speaking and take a bus back to Hong Kong where the New Year arrives in a Wanchai bar amid forced revelry and Thai and Filipina hookers. At some point I drunkenly hit on a “lady boy,” realize my mistake and wake up guilt-ridden, depressed and alone.
Resolution: Buy C a new dress or prepare to scrutinize gorgeous flirtatious women carefully for Adams apple and stubble.

4.Beijing, China, 2010. At 1:38 am following a pleasant party sponsored by my employer at a cutting edge nightclub, my companion and I are preparing for bed at her place. My cell phone beeps with a text message alert. I open it and read New Year terms of extreme endearment from another woman of whom my gracious hostess was unaware until she “accidentally” looked over my shoulder and “accidentally” read the message. Emotional chaos and ill feelings ensue. Nobody's fault but mine. Resolution: Honesty is the best policy, especially when it comes to romance.

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